DEAR SPROUTMAN: My sprouts are brown, small, and all dry on top. They have never grown up even though I’ve waited the proper number of days. – WIMPY

Your sprouts are suffering from a condition known as “oishgetrichundosis.” This means they’re all dried up. They were probably not protected well enough during the first few days. Once dried up, sprouts will not grow, even if you treat them properly later.